Transcript
Hello and welcome to the BarCast. I'm your host, Nick Barr, coming to you on a Wednesday evening. I am taking off for a few days, flying out to Miami tomorrow, but I thought before I do that, I want to carry on this project and record another session. So we're doing the sexual floor today, which...
0:31
which is closer to home for me than the social four. I think I'm still yet closer to the self-preservation four, but we'll get to that. So the sexual four is classified by Ichazo as odio, hatred. So it's an intense keyword. And the sexual four is an intense person. So we're going to learn about it.
0:58
And before we dive in more, just a word on sexual as a subtype. So the subtypes, the instinctual subtypes, social, sexual, and self-preservation really are a somewhat distinct invention specific to the Enneagram. In a way, that's kind of a bummer. You would like the vocabulary to be common across other paradigms, but
1:26
It has a little bit to do with attachment, right? It has a little bit to do with survival. And the idea is a pretty simple one. As a child, we quickly develop not just survival strategies, but strategies on whom our survival depends. So if our survival depends on a close relationship with a caregiver,
1:55
then we might develop a sexual, or sometimes it's called one-on-one subtype. So this is someone where the intensity and depth of one relationship becomes of utmost importance for the survival strategy. I don't know enough about why it's called sexual. It certainly can show up as sexual in terms of sort of seducing the partner or
2:25
seducing the other person in relationship. But of course, it would have its roots in caregivers, a mother or a father. Then there's the social subtype where survival is to be found in belonging, in fitting in. in not standing out, maybe you've got a large family or, um, or your family of origin, you know,
2:56
wasn't where you were safe, but school or, uh, you moved around a lot. So you needed to sort of blend in. So, so the social subtype is going to be much more focused on fitting in and belonging. Um, there might be more chameleonic able to sort of, um, work with a lot of different personalities. And then finally,
3:19
the self-preservation subtype is somebody who ultimately relies on themselves and security of the situation. So this type might be avoidant of risk. They may seek out safety in terms of resources, wealth, security, housing. So security, you know, security, belonging and intimacy could be three synonyms for self-preservation, social and sexual subtypes. So today is the sexual four.
3:55
And let's get right into it. If the E4 social subtype suffers more than the other subtypes feeling guilty about any desire, the sexual four turns against shame by becoming shameless to satisfy their intense desires. Therefore, even if it's shameful, they will bang on every possible door.
4:17
They become insistent even against frustrations as if thinking that the loudest baby gets the most milk. The more I complain, the more I'll get, they seem to think. Only the strategy works, which works well in childhood doesn't work so well in adulthood. People who are too insistent, demanding and exacting tend to be annoying and get rejected.
4:37
And thus the vicious circle emerges where rejection leads to protest and protest leads to rejection. So it's. These are all flavors of envy, which is the core keyword for the four, the passion for the four, the fixation for the four. And this is a different vicious circle than the social four who I ended up going
5:04
with the word abasement. Kind of like abasement, even though it's obscure, because it literally has the word basement in it. And I think that that's evocative for us. If you ever watch a film, you know, who's in the basement, right? That person who has been rejected, who is sort of unloved, who is less than, who's lower, right?
5:26
So the social four puts themselves in the basement. And then they say, they lament, nobody loves me. That's why I'm in the basement. But then, of course, their vicious circle is, well, you're in the basement. That's right. Come come in the kitchen and we'd love to hang out with you.
5:39
But this person wants to stay in the basement. So that's their vicious circle. The sexual four, it's more aggressive and it's less of a victim mindset and more of a argumentative, insistent, as I said, or frustrated mindset. Stop rejecting me. Stop it. You need to accept me.
6:07
Well, I would like to accept you if you weren't so aggressive and demanding. And so that's the vicious circle that Naranjo's introducing here. Continues, the name Ichaso, again, that's Naranjo's teacher, gave to the characteristic passion of the sexual four was hatred, which is descriptively appropriate for these people who are very expressive about their anger. However,
6:36
this might not sufficiently explain their motivation. So it seems better to talk about competition or competitiveness. I really like this point that I think Naranjo is pretty rigorous about seeking a word that describes not the behavior, but the motivation. The fixation has to have an I must or else logic to it. It has to have this
7:04
engine behind it. And so hate doesn't really point to an engine, whereas competition starts to point to an engine or a fixation or a vicious circle. I've been thinking about the sexual four in anticipation of doing this recording. And I'd like to tentatively introduce another keyword closer to competition, which would be rivalry. Rivalry.
7:30
And we'll explore rivalry in more detail as we go on. But I have to do an etymology thing here. I wondered what the etymology of rivalry was, and it's a really good one. So if you hear river in it, that's right. Rivalry is an ancient word to describe.
7:50
I think it's old French to describe one who drinks from the same stream as another, one who drinks from the same stream. And so it both denotes or connotes proximity, right? We might be in neighboring towns that share a stream, but it also connotes
8:13
a competition and what we would call today a zero-sum game or a scarcity mindset, i.e., when you drink, I am thirsty, and when I drink, you're thirsty. So it's a zero-sum game that the four is stuck in, in all subtypes. But the sexual four is in the most of kind of a war-like state. And so rivalry is
8:40
is the keyword that I'm tentatively going with as we continue. We could characterize the envy of the sexual subtype as an aggressive oral envy, one that bites. Psychoanalysis speaks of cannibalistic impulses. It's not just about wanting, but wanting with anger. This is the sin of Cain, our ancestor. I envy you, so I kill you.
9:04
I envy the rich and start a revolution. I envy your intellectual superiority, so I'll cut off your head and then I'll seem taller. And when talking about beheading, we're discussing invalidation, contempt, and the aggression expressed in devaluing what's enviable. Like the fox claiming the grapes it can't reach are probably sour.
9:23
Okay, so that's a good introduction to the the motivation or the fixation or the passion of the sexual four. And I think we'll go deeper as we get into the essay. This is Transformation of the Sexual Four by Annie Chevreau. Again, this collection, which is so beautifully assembled, each subtype after being introduced by Naranjo,
9:50
somebody who identifies with that subtype or writes their own sort of journey, psycho-spiritual journey. So this is Chevreau. The major obstacle for the sexual four in deeply working with its character is to recognize itself as sick, to surrender to the evidence, to step off the stubbornness that assumes that most of the time,
10:12
what it considers sincere and authentic in its way of expressing is actually pure hatred and competitiveness. I'm glad we're starting with the four, both because that's me and I can connect with it. So the four is hard and the four has work to do.
10:30
And I think it's good to start with my own work and to confront how brutal some of the feedback here is so that we can give ourselves some slack when we work with other types. This need for authenticity, which is so central to the four, for the sexual four,
10:56
the sexual four has to reckon with this need for authenticity is nothing more than pure rivalry. There is no true wish to be authentic for its own sake. It really is a battle with others who seem to have something that we don't. And that might not resonate. I'm sure it won't resonate with some fours.
11:24
And that's up to those folks to make sense of for themselves. Ultimately, this is just about finding your own kind of animating story, your own animating fixation. But I think for me, I recognize... Hatred, I think, is a little bit tough. But what I've noticed with myself is I do a lot of what I call white knuckling.
11:50
And this is a recent thing where I'm recognizing how much of my creative work is done with white knuckles, i.e. gripping really tightly. Now, I'm not sure if I'd call that hatred, but there is this sort of intense... It does feel like a battle. It does feel like a battle when I'm trying to express myself.
12:12
Now, am I battling other people? Not so much. We talked about envy in the beginning not being so necessarily so obvious that you're envious of what someone else has who's real and might be What you remember yourself having in a past that never was or envy of an ideal.
12:33
I'm not even so clear on what or whom I'm envious of, but I do think that there's some rivalry for sure with myself. It's essential for the sexual four to understand that hatred is a hard drug, an addiction from which one never truly recovers.
12:49
I stress this point because it relates to the extremist stances that those of this subtype usually adopt, which are true barriers to growth. The euphoria of seeing progress in the healing process, like the despair when one stagnates, are dangerous emotions that justify getting discouraged, giving up, surrendering to chaos.
13:10
These emotions feed back into self-hatred and projected outward with all the unhappiness it brings to oneself and others. I experienced all of this through my therapeutic process. The following texts are excerpts from my autobiography. So we need to go so slowly here. These are such dense paragraphs. And I want to bring up the Spanish here.
13:32
This euphoria of seeing progress. I don't completely track this, but what I'll say about this that I recognize in myself is both the highs and the lows are dangerous for me. In the same way with rivalry, whether you're winning or you're losing, you're in rivalry, you're in competition, you're in hatred. And so
14:24
as things are getting better and you're getting excited and maybe you have visions of what you could be, there's this feeling of winning, but you will get dragged back into the battle and you will lose. And so I think that's what I wanna talk about there.
14:40
I think that's what I recognize in the euphoria of seeing progress that she's describing. So these are her excerpts from her autobiography. In the first individual sessions with the master, I suppose that's Naranjo, I fully encountered the childhood lack, the terror and fascination for my father, the sexual fears.
14:59
As I begin to rid myself of the guilt for feeling like the villain of the story, responsible for things not going better at home, I felt heard and valued by Claudio. Until then, no one had given me this opportunity to talk about what was happening to me without being labeled a liar like my father did.
15:16
This marks the beginning of the work for me and within the work, the first healing memory. Then came less idyllic sessions, those where it seemed nothing was happening beyond realizing my own limits. Even if I seemed to handle those situations well, I think I couldn't fully endure the tedium of the inner desert. That's beautiful.
15:34
It felt as if nothing mattered without emotional intensity. That's a very four feeling, this desert. And if you work with the elements at all, I think the four, especially the sexual four, would be really kind of connected with the the fire element.
15:53
And the desert, that's a great way of describing that feeling of burnout after you've exploded in it. Just imagine sort of, if you've watched Oppenheimer, right, like the nuclear explosion in in Santa Fe, and then are outside of Santa Fe, and then and then just a vast desert, where everything is destroyed, and you're all alone.
16:18
So this feeling of being all alone and how unbearable that is for the sexual four in particular here. Nothing matters without emotional intensity. Nothing matters without relationship. But the only way I can have relationship is through rivalry, is through competition, is through hate. That's the plight of the sexual four.
16:42
I tried to calm myself, but I knew I became agitated, distracted and from the void. It was so unbearable that I would divert my attention outward. In group work, when peers felt differently than I did, if I was in pain and they were joyful, I labeled them frivolous and shallow. If the opposite occurred, they were boring.
16:58
By constantly looking outwards and comparing experiences, I lost my center, my focus on what I needed to work on. Over time, I realized I was puffing myself up. thinking I was the most transparent, the most mature of all. But deep down, this was all a way to avoid addressing my spiritual laziness.
17:16
If things were going well, I got excited. If it was a period of emptiness, I got moody. Reflecting on the process now, even though I've worked hard, I understand that what drove me back then was the belief that I was a part of a very special group, something extraordinary.
17:31
The SAT school, that's the Naranjo school, was my Arcadia, my Camelot, and my personal Bloomsbury. We were also family back then, and I wanted to make up for my real one. I was still naive enough to think this one would be perfect and idyllic. Stepping away from that childlike belief was what made me grow the most.
17:48
So she really went through quite a powerful, you call it transference or whatever, but this healing circle itself became a replacement family for her in which she experienced all that competition, all that hatred, all that comparison that is so characteristic of the four. Recognizing one's addiction to hatred is healing in itself because it implies accepting relapses,
18:11
not to get discouraged, but to learn from them and how one has been dragged down. In this self-observation task, the sexual four encounters an internal barrier that must be named without deceiving oneself, even if it stings, or precisely because it stings, for there begins the real commitment to inner work.
18:34
This barrier is called intellectual laziness and manifests in attitudes we of this subtype are prone to. Impatience, resistance to continuous effort, too much faith in improvisation and impulse, with all the difficulties it entails to face the void without filling it with disparate words and emotions that distract and overwhelm. When one becomes aware of this limitation,
18:59
they begin to develop the right attitude for deep work and set the necessary tasks to grow. It's not about distrusting impulse as it's the engine to get started, but learning that it's not enough and that perseverance is required. I became aware of this challenge professionally. It's interesting when we talk about intellectual laziness,
19:21
I think a four might bristle at that and say, well, I'm quite intellectually rigorous. And that might be true for the four. These are personal stories. But in myself, I recognize a certain preference to do it live. I'm much better extemporaneously. Like this is an example of this podcast.
19:47
That here I am kind of blundering my way through this and talking. I don't really, I haven't necessarily put in a tremendous amount of intellectual rigor or thought in terms of what is this project. I feel really kind of prone to just sort of just run with it and fill the void maybe with these explorations.
20:10
I do think that there's something here, and to her point, this impulse is the engine to get started. But yet, I do lack a certain perseverance with my projects, especially when they're my own projects, when they're company projects. I'm a great perseverancer. I persevere. But I can think of so many projects that I
20:37
It's not that I didn't finish them, but I launched them without that deep, slow, stable, clear, independent, solid vision. It oftentimes is in relationship to a perceived or to a real other. And it's almost like as long as it's better than that or good enough.
21:00
But again, it's that rivalry, because as soon as you get hooked into rivalry, you're You're a goner. There is no real winning. Precisely because the four doesn't want to win. To win would be to end the relationship, to end the rivalry. The four's neurotic fixation is to be in constant, permanent rivalry.
21:20
And so no matter how well something goes, there will inevitably be a reversal in which one is lowered and then has to fight to get higher again. She continues, at the same time that I began training in assault therapy, I was interested in tarot and Claudio showed me how to work with the cards.
21:39
My first workshop was a resounding success that went to my head. I recognize that. I thought my future was set and that people would flock to me. People loved the way I worked with tarot, but of course it wasn't that easy to get clients and I grew impatient. Now with experience as a psychotherapist, the same thing happens.
21:56
I know the new experimental work proposals I make are interesting and useful to people, but I have to be alert not to get discouraged or abandon everything. There's that abandoning that we heard about in the social floor, who they themselves abandon projects and abandon people just so that they can feel abandoned. right?
22:18
They give up so that they can say, well, nobody wanted to work with me. Abandon everything when there isn't a quick and unanimous response. Instead, I should revisit the idea, see what's missing or what's in excess in a word work, not give up.
22:31
I think it's crucial for the sexual four not to confuse a lack of perseverance with a lack of talent because it leads to disconnecting from reality, hating it, hating oneself, and by extension, hating others. Self-realization and transformation then involve allowing oneself to be frustrated, to de-dramatize, and to develop compassion. Allowing oneself to become frustrated.
22:58
And so we'll, we'll now move on to the section to become frustrated. Maybe we can translate that. That's a, that's just like a reflexive verb in Spanish, frustrarse, like, um, and just call it frustration. I don't know. Maybe not. It's just not a great title. I also... I don't think that's self-frustration. Let's just call it frustration. Good.
23:29
The sexual four must understand that they are bound to feel frustrated because they mistake their desires for reality. They need to... They mistake their desires for reality. So, well, let's finish the paragraph. They need to accept that neither they nor the world are as they had imagined. So fours have this rich imagination in a way,
24:02
I say in a way because I struggle to, there's fantasy versus imagination. I think fours live in fantasy. They live in fantasy lands. Fours are nostalgic. Fours are fundamentally, and Suzanne Stabile talks more about orientation to time. They are past oriented. They are romantics.
24:26
So we're not talking about manifestors here who imagine things and then they want that to be real. They have imaginations of how things should be or should have been or used to be or could have been or would have been, if only. That's the kind of fantasy that I think we're talking about here.
24:47
They need to accept that neither they nor the world are as they imagined. Not everything will be unbearably bland and boring if they set aside their romanticized view of life. And this is a classic question you could ask a four of like, well, what do you think about going to the supermarket?
25:04
What do you think about routine tasks? And if you're a four, you probably experience a dread about these routine tasks, these mundane aspects of life that few other types actually would recognize. It kind of blows my mind personally when I learned about this that, yeah, the daily chores aren't soul-sucking for everybody, really, even for most people.
25:36
This unrealistic way of grasping the world is not harmless and excessive aesthetic valuation harbors hatred and contempt for basic survival aspects. Excessive aesthetic valuation or aesthetic perfectionism. The four and the one share this kind of perfectionism at times. But the four's perfectionism is aesthetic, it is artistic, it is the experience we could be having right now.
26:06
How many times do I get frustrated when I want to share something with my partner and I just want her to experience it as powerfully as I experienced it? And I'll work really hard to create those conditions. I want a transmission to happen. And when it doesn't happen, I'm disappointed and get grumpy and moody, etc.
26:30
Healing comes from self-nurturing, realizing that one is flesh and blood like everybody else. And that to survive, one needs to eat, clothe oneself, organize, develop a practical sense. In essence, learn to be in one's favor as a way to stop hating oneself. Learn to be in one's favor. Yeah. I think that's good English.
26:58
Learn to be in one's favor. Just learn to... Learn to be on your own side, really. If we're taking rivalry further, it's an inner competition, right? I mean, I think the outer competition is just projecting the inner competition. And so one is constantly in competition with oneself. One is constantly dissatisfied with one's lot.
27:30
And to be on one's side... Learn to be on one's own side. Learn to be in one's favor. I'm on my own team, essentially, is what has to happen for a four. And a four isn't on their own team by default. Because they have to have that lack.
27:56
Something has to be missing for them to be in relationship. And relationship is the most important thing for them. One must curb the tendency towards self-destruction, impose tasks and schedules, be productive to avoid sinking into chaos. Discipline is needed in anything that makes one feel good about oneself. The discomfort caused by low self-esteem increases hatred,
28:19
and it's a vicious circle from which one must force oneself to exit. It's a matter of will. Yeah, it's interesting to see her really pounding away at discipline, at will, at perseverance. There's this sort of, Suzanne Stabile might reframe that in doing, right? So the for is in this thinking, feeling loop. I feel something very powerfully,
28:48
then I think about how I felt about it, then I feel some stuff more, and then I think about it, and I never do anything. And so perseverance, willpower, discipline, these are all kind of doing words. Not doing as in taking action,
29:06
but a kind of willing that is unperturbed by the ebbs and flows of emotion and thought. I believe what's transformative is realizing that it's not just about maintaining a discipline that sexual type four must impose on themselves to escape chaos and sickly disorder they tend to sink into, but also discovering that attending to the everyday is gratifying.
29:30
It's not a mere parenthesis in life while waiting for something more exciting. It's life itself unfolding. My first realization of how I distorted reality by embellishing it came through work with a master where I discovered the obvious way of looking, using eyes to see, not for the
29:47
The staircase was the one I saw in the present, not from some place or movie or museum from years ago. There is no need to romanticize distant mountains or strive to remember the last mood or special circumstance I saw. The mountains were there, and I was looking at them. Now, with time and deeper introspection,
30:05
I see this cognitive and emotional distortion led me to detach from reality, not belonging to the environment in which life flows. What was transformative was later realizing how often merely adding adjectives to reality was a subtle way of discriminating against it, of distancing myself from it, of not living.
30:25
I discovered that car or bus trips weren't mere transient episodes, and that daily tasks made sense if I didn't yearn to finish them quickly, to engage in what I thought was my real life. To savor every moment, I often treat myself as a whimsical child and remind myself,
30:42
you must feed on what's available now because there's nothing else to consume. Sure, meeting this person or today's task may not excite you, but you can do it without enthusiasm. A lot of powerful stuff there. But what struck out to me was using eyes to see, not for the sake of imagination. You know,
31:01
I've talked in the past about aphantasia, which is a phenomenon of not having visual imagination. So in other words, if you say imagine a blue circle, someone with aphantasia... They say, sure, yeah, I'm imagining a blue circle, but there's not actually in their visual field of the closed eyes, sort of this field, there's not actually anything there.
31:26
It's just blank. So when they say imagining, they're doing things like thinking about a blue circle or energetically feeling the qualities of a blue circle, but they don't see the blue circle. And I wonder for a sexual four with F and tissue, I wonder if part of that is like the eyes...
31:47
The eyes imagination is happening in the actual visual field, sort of like layered in there. What does it look like when you can actually see the chair in front of you and not the fantasy of the chair or the idea of the chair or what kind of chair it is? other chairs that you liked more, et cetera.
32:06
So there's such a kind of a prolific noise that's always happening with the four, always comparing, always producing. And she's describing a kind of a quiet seeing things as they really are, which of course is the spiritual project. So a four is by no means unique in needing to do work to see things as they are.
32:36
For the sexual type 4, it's essential to consistently forbid discriminating against what daily life brings. It's an antidote to the almost automatic tendency to always oppose and to enjoy being alive. As a child, I was told I was very imaginative. Now, with a broader view in time past, I realize I've made up many stories, cultivated legends,
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invented roles, and embellished reality to survive the hate I had for myself. For what? For being physically clumsy? For having been poor, inadequate, and fearful? Overprotected by my grandmother and overly watched by my father, I grew up distant from other girls. I was forbidden from going to the park for fear of catching bad manners and diseases.
33:16
Clumsy in games and social interaction, I tried to be the center of attention during breaks by performing my father's theater operettas. I had partial success as my songs sounded strange and ridiculous to them. I covered up the pain of feeling inadequate by aligning myself with immigrant girls. I strived to understand them better than anyone.
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With them, I built a world apart, opposing the local girls whom I labeled as insensitive and mediocre. I killed them internally with hate and disqualification. In reality, we lived modestly because my father was a stagehand, not a theater decorator, as he claimed. I was also ashamed of my neighborhood.
33:55
I said we were from Montmarche, but that wasn't entirely true. Our house was much lower, on a street increasingly filled with prostitutes. The place had declined, but the way I used that fact was exaggerated. Later in Madrid, I never stopped lying about my origins and my great performance in May 1968.
34:14
First, that revolution ended before I entered university. At best, I'd experienced it from the distance of high school, where I attended student meetings. But it wasn't political commitment that interested me, because it seemed boring. I had enjoyed the fashionable sexual freedom and originality in dressing.
34:30
So she's really showing a lot of, I think, the courage of the four She's owning the lies that she told, small and big. And this is the fine line of healing for a four, I think, and I experienced this myself, which is... There's a bravery that we have that seems to be our superpower.
35:05
We have this courage and intellectual honesty of going as deep as we can into our experience, certainly in the experience of others, but first and foremost, our own, because we have the most access to. And we can really go in there and bear it and show it.
35:24
And when we do that with pure intention and not from fixation, it's such a gift. People will tell you, thank you for being so vulnerable. And you won't recognize it because it wasn't vulnerable for you. You maybe felt scared, but There wasn't vulnerability,
35:51
just as this woman didn't feel any hesitation to stand in the middle of her friend group and sing the opera. But any little fault in the motivation can be very dangerous for the four because of the four's emphasis on lack and because of the four's aesthetic perfectionism. So when I share this, am I turning it into art?
36:23
Am I performing, right? And so the four might slip into performance and then they're lost. Or the four might lie and be lost. Or the four might just get lost in their own internal world and start to look a little bit like a five who can go on and on and on and just not read the room.
36:47
Nobody's with you. That can happen to a four. And I think another thing that can happen to the four when they share their inner things is sometimes there's masochism there. Sometimes they're sort of dragging their inner child out by the hair into the public space. And saying, anyone want to beat this kid? So that can happen too.
37:10
The four has to be showing care for themselves when they are vulnerable and they easily won't. And then, of course, because the four has this obsession with lack, the four won't let any of these things slide, right? The unhealthy four will then just devour themselves, beat themselves up for the way in which it wasn't done perfectly.
37:36
Not the perfectionism of the three, not the how could that have gone better, but the see, I knew you were no good. She cultivated an outward image of a free and daring girl. This is, you know, this woman in 1968 and kind of the summer of love. I don't know what was going on in Europe.
37:58
Knowing deep down and hating myself for it that she was so fearful, so terrified of police beatings that she didn't participate in the protests. The sexual four finds it hard to recognize that in this creation of characters, even though it seemingly provides security and makes them interesting, they hate and kill themselves. Moreover, as one works on oneself,
38:18
one realizes that this somewhat unrealistic way of being in the world, with an emphasis on aesthetics, is not harmless and also turns into hatred toward others, competing with them in the name of exquisite sensitivity. Yeah. So I think the sexual four in particular is more prone to kind of this creation of character.
38:40
They might fashion themselves in a certain way. I think they might dress in a particular way. They might have a very strong aesthetic style. I think these would all be characteristics of the sexual four that does, as Annie's saying, make them interesting and does sort of
38:58
create some thin veil of security but it also at least according to her you know there's some way in which it's simultaneously a condemnation of who she really was that her image her self-image couldn't accommodate her fear of being beaten by the police so she had to be this fearless uh you know um daring daring young woman
39:27
This elegant way of attacking relies on another more warrior-like, forceful, sectarian, and Manichean way of judging others. In friendship, elitist affinity, tastes, hobbies, opinions, and shared moods prevails over simply being with another without having to prove anything. I have to look up Manichean. Okay. Some kind of Gnostic thing.
39:57
I don't, I don't have any capacity right now for another, another belief system, but, uh, i don't so i just don't you know i think we'll just have to stick with the other descriptors warrior like forceful and sectarian yeah and i certainly remember in high school being an elitist i still remember being in somebody's car and just
40:25
dismissing them for liking dave matthews band and it came from just like pure elitism and you know okay so it's high school right like a I should forgive myself for that. But I, why I wonder why I remember it. I probably remember probably being shocked by my own venom.
40:47
Yeah.
40:50
It's hard to admit without deception or justification that one isn't as empathetic as believed, that one is clumsy in relating to others due to a lack of naturalness and treatment as if affectation wasn't enough. Upon introspection, the sexual four encounters a subtypes narcissism. They don't see the other. They only see themselves trying to impress, provoke, exuding brilliance,
41:09
humor, et cetera, to be the center of attention. You know, there are words that are so... Andrew Merrill- dangerous in the year of our Lord 2024 and narcissism is certainly one of them and the four by no means has exclusive rights to narcissism narcissism comes up throughout the. the Enneagram, but certainly, I mean, you know,
41:35
certainly some types are more narcissistic than others, but I just like, let's just sort of narcissism. As soon as you start to get into diagnosable words, you're just, you're, you're at risk of running off course. So when we talk about narcissism here, what we just want to leave it as they don't see the other.
41:56
Now, of course they think they see the other. They might say, what are you talking about? I'm very sensitive to other people, right? I pick up, I can imagine a sexual four or a four type saying like, if I'm so narcissistic, then how come I'm so sensitive to the feelings and emotions of others?
42:17
Well, you're so sensitive to the feelings and emotions of others because those are clues, right? to validate your fixation or passion on lack and, you know, in the case of the sexual four, on rivalry or competition or hate. See? See, you hate me, so therefore I hate you. So that's the narcissism. They're not...
42:44
It's not easy for that person to experience this person as a whole other being, you know, an I-thou, a person with their own set of experiences. And in fact, you know, there are little things that the four rarely hallucinates, but, you know, the four is just ultra sensitive to,
43:05
it just might not have anything to do with you. That's the irony. Once you see the other person, you realize how rarely you truly are implicated, even when they're accusing you. And that can be a source of tremendous healing, but it's extremely dangerous to the fixations of the four. It's essential to learn to calm down and focus.
43:30
The sexual four needs to understand that most of the time they believe they're explaining themselves when they're merely getting agitated. They must acknowledge that it's challenging to follow them where they're passionate, hard to understand, and not break contact with the speaker when that happens. It's essential to observe how one sends mixed messages when communicating with another.
43:47
Excessive gestures, sighs, laughter, jumping from one topic to another, seeking complicity, seducing with winks and insinuations. All these are smokescreens, performances that distract from the real content of the conservation, conversation, and encounter. As one heals, one realizes that this is another form of aggression, of fighting.
44:08
The stance of power against the world deflates when the sexual four is alone. Healing involves discovering how external verbosity turns into internal cannibalism. we'll have to come back to this, constantly revolving around one's navel, revisiting moods, recalling who offended, overlooked, praised, who agreed or disagreed, etc. For healing, it's necessary to inhibit inner chatter,
44:34
realizing that it freezes one's existence, fossilizing it in the past. Okay. This is dense, dense stuff. This is a very four-ish, I mean, a wonderfully healthy four, just beautifully written, poetic, evocative, verbose. There's a lot of commas, you know, but also so, I mean, just really tremendous self-reflection. Yeah. So external verbosity turns into internal cannibalism,
45:18
meaning oftentimes that the inner four, the four, when they're alone, there's a lot of inner chatter. And I don't know enough about what the literature says, but I know for myself that my inner chatter is very frequently, especially when I first discover it, when I first notice it, is between me and another person. It's not always argument.
45:42
It could be me and a teacher or me and a friend, but we're actually rarely a friend. It usually is power. Power is at stake in the inner chatter. That's very important. I don't think I had fully reckoned with that. But if I look at the composition of inner chatter, even if it's me exploring an idea,
46:04
it might be me exploring an idea with someone who I admire and my inner chatter, the inner Nick is talking almost as if to seek validation from the teacher, which of course never comes. This is just neurotic chatter. So at this point, when I become aware of that inner chatter,
46:23
I stop it rather than picking up the contents of it. But that did not come fast to me. On the other hand, the extreme demand for transparent friendships, the impossible search for the ideal friend who understands and shares everything, leads to a labyrinth with no exit where one faces the reduced, absurd hatred.
46:50
My unconditional and perfect friend should be just like me, but it turns out I hate myself, so there's no solution. I believe this is where the root of hatred hides, touching the genuine feeling of lack, the real deficiency. It's better to realize, though it's chilling to acknowledge, that when alone with oneself,
47:06
there's a tendency to want to die because one doesn't truly know who they are, what they want or desire. Yeah, I mean, you know, I think there's truth in it. sort of this unbearable not knowing who you really are quality. So while there's a tendency to want to die, quote unquote, is maybe dramatic,
47:45
it's not arbitrary because it does feel like death. not to know who you really are but that is the truth that the four has to face because the four doesn't seem to know who they are when they're not describing themselves in contrast to or in relationship with another the four is like kind of
48:07
along with maybe the two and well in the three in some ways i mean they're it's it's sort of a codependent triad which makes sense because they're the feeling triad. And I think emotions are so relational, sort of almost essentially. This friendship thing is interesting because sometimes I wonder whether it's what Annie's describing here. Is it Annie?
48:45
Annie? Sorry, I was just talking to another Annie. So this is also an Annie. Annie Chevreau. There's something a little bit tricky about the four, which is like, it's easy and tempting. And this is what she's doing is to say like, oh, you have this impossible standard of what friendship ought to be. And everybody disappoints you.
49:15
And just so that you can play out your thing. But there's also a slight counter argument to that, which is I think if the four holds themselves in high regards, they can be very selective about friendships and honor that the kind of friendship that they're seeking is quite rare.
49:31
but it's somebody who cares about intimacy and wants that as desperately as they do. And I think fours get along with fours. I think I read somewhere that most types don't like They don't like people who have the same type as them. So threes dislike threes, twos dislike twos. Because you can kind of spot their thing.
49:55
And then it triggers you in some sense because there's recognition there. And it's like a mirror that doesn't feel good. But fours don't seem to have that as much. And it kind of makes sense, right? Because in a way, the four is playing another game, which is just like,
50:15
a game of lack, a game of self-hatred to some extent. And so we see this, I think, I'm trying to think if there's any pop culture examples, but the elitists kind of like each other. They like shitting on the same bands. I think people who share a love of art,
50:37
I think some of the kind of classic storybook relationships between artists, I think artists like being married to artists. Artists also constantly shit on other artists, but Yeah, I guess all I want to say here is I wouldn't just dismiss a four's demand for this radically transparent friendship as a sort of device that exists just so that
51:01
they'll be disappointed. I would say that might be the case. And they really have the right to want those friendships and to pursue them and just to be realistic that they're very rare. Yeah. and probably what you want is a mix right you probably want a mix of one or two
51:21
extremely intimate powerful soulmate type relationships and then accommodate a lot a lot more that are lighter maybe or maybe just the four wants very few relationships how are we doing on time we're already an hour in oh my goodness look we're not here to we're not here to get likes So we're just going to keep trucking on.
51:49
I make no apologies because this is like the raw material that we're working with here. But we are so early. I think we've got quite a ways to go. It's crucial in the process. To recognize the tendency towards self-destruction and wanting to destroy another because it highlights lacking aspects that arrogance covers up.
52:18
It helps to see oneself as a spoiled and indulged child when the common biography of the sexual four attributes that to another sibling. It's not easy to accept that one hasn't been the favorite. Okay, I need to track this because I'm getting a bit lost. I've got to find this section about sibling. It's probably not.
53:03
I don't know.
53:05
Uh-oh. Here we go.
54:03
Ayuda a comprender mejor algo del subtipo del verse como niño mimado y consentido cuando lo común en la biografía del sexual euphoria es atribuir eso a otro hermano. Okay, well, let's try to unpack this, not through the Spanish, because that didn't really help me. But this is very important.
54:49
I remember reading this the first time and feeling major recognition here. And maybe this is specific to the sexual floor, but it's not easy for them to contact their lacking. Aspects of their lacking, they feel safe confronting aspects of their lacking. I'm not... good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not attractive enough.
55:29
This person is that lacking is safe for them, but that they lacked that there was real lack that they really didn't get something. That pain is very, very difficult for the four, not, not self lacking that's easy, but, um, actual lacking. that maybe they weren't loved or cared for as much as they, you know, as they deserved.
56:12
So when she says it helps to see oneself as a spoiled and indulged child when the common biography of the sexual four attributes that to another sibling, it isn't easy to accept that one hasn't been the favorite. One knows, but it's necessary to surrender to the evidence without making up stories,
56:32
without placing oneself above surrendering to the pain of reality that one hasn't been overly cared for or attended to. The sexual complains laments is unsatisfied, suffers a lot, but doesn't fully let oneself be touched by what hurts. It's necessary to deeply feel it without escaping the harshness of discovery with excessive crying, tantrums,
57:01
hateful outbursts that distract from the real deficiency. Healing involves replacing complaints and laments with the conviction that if one has the strength to oppose, one also has the strength to face reality no matter how painful. This last part reminds me of my childhood memory of, quote,
57:22
how I defended myself from not being the favorite by competing with my sister with qualities I had and she lacked, end quote. So, OK, so I mean, that clears things up. Really just phenomenal stuff. So, yeah, a classic quote. feature of the four childhood feature of the four not true for me not true for
57:47
plenty of people but is that like another sibling came along and became the favorite and um the four may end up telling a story of their own you know being spoiled or being indulged they might even tell a story of not being loved
58:03
But the one thing that they won't do is let themselves feel the pain of that bereft child, feel the pain of not being loved, feeling the pain of being neglected, feeling the pain of deficiency. And so just sitting in that hurt is the work for the four, at least as captured here. and not telling stories about it.
58:40
And she makes a great point. If you need to do this work, you can cheer yourself knowing that you've been fighting your whole life, opposing everything. So you're very strong. You've been, you you've, you've developed an incredible strength. And so there's really nothing that the four can't face.
59:00
And I think the four knows that maybe that's a way to trick, trick the four. I think every type sort of has a way to trick themselves into healing by appealing to their own fixation. And of course, I don't know if that's a good idea, but if I were to do it with a four, I would say.
59:21
you know, or let's just say with myself, I would say something like, you pride yourself on being able to really feel the full spectrum of experience. That's your superpower. That's what makes you you. So then you should be able to sit in your own hurt and be honest with yourself.
59:45
Go ahead and do that and just notice if you're able to contact it. And if you're not, that's okay. But then maybe that's something that you'd want to be doing. With maturity and by delving into working with character, the sexual four realizes that they remain particularly vigilant when it comes to affection, struggling not to become envious,
1:00:07
measuring whether they are loved more or less than others. It's healing to cool down the emotion, stop feeling so much, and use their head, realizing how absurd it is to want to control something as uncontrollable as affection. Moreover, they shouldn't deny others what they freely allow themselves, expressing love and hate as they please. Thus,
1:00:26
the path to healing involves no longer feeling exceptional, in the sense that everyone is in their own way, and leads to a genuine desire for equality and belonging. Anger and moodiness often serve to avoid feeling clumsy, tired, or depressed. It's therapeutic to soften, not fight, not go against what one considers as weakness,
1:00:47
and recognize feelings shared by all, including dependency, which is the battleground for the sexual four because they vehemently deny it. Yeah, codependency is another one of these words that I wish I had have known how dangerous it was when I identified myself as not codependent in contrast with my previous partners who I experienced as codependent.
1:01:11
I think codependency is no longer really has that taboo quality that it did 10 years ago, but maybe 10 years ago, the worst thing you could be is codependent. I think we're getting a little bit smarter in how we talk about that now. And any here mentions no longer feeling exceptional and that sort of quality of
1:01:34
equanimity that we're all in it together, both as beings and as emotions and experiences and phenomena, just taking as it comes, accepting as it is, not even going to tell a story about it. That's kind of, those are some of the markers of the healing journey.
1:01:56
It's as if their life depends on it because of the deeply ingrained and distorted internal image of being free and independent. Life depends on not being codependent. While it's true that many have lacked support in life and had to fend for themselves, it's essential to note that their complaints and vulnerability manipulations are so
1:02:16
convincing that they easily find someone to help or rescue them. Personally, they know they've had to walk alone, but have clung to strong supports along the way. Partners, teachers, people who have stood up for them, instructors who supported them in challenging times. It's been hard to admit they've received more support than believed,
1:02:34
perpetuating dissatisfaction and justifying mistreatment toward themselves and others. See, it's so hard, this work, because it goes in both directions. The four both has to admit that they've received less love than they deserved. Less support, that they have been alone and feel that hurt. And they have to feel that they have been supported, that they're not alone.
1:02:59
Both of those moves are anti-rivalry moves. All those moves are softening moves. It's not so extreme. I'm not so much better and I'm not so worse. All these moves are undermining the battle, the battleground, the rivalry that fours experience. The sexual four becomes, sorry, I lost my place here.
1:03:28
It's been difficult to dissolve the arrogant attitude of not feeling indebted to anyone, believing that successes were only due to personal charm or worth rather than the generosity of others. The sexual four becomes passionate with the belief that if the credit isn't entirely theirs, they get nothing.
1:03:41
The words everything and nothing are especially dangerous for this character as they open the doors to irrationality, leading to a hateful hell. They need to prohibit entering there and accept their deficiencies and vulnerabilities, which humanizes. As the belief that they've made themselves fades, they begin to genuinely express gratitude. When they manage to do so,
1:04:03
they realize they can follow their own path, free from the burden of counter-dependency. Well, that's a great word, counter-dependency. As in, you don't have to carve your own path, no matter what you're going to. So sharing a path with others is a beautiful thing. Working with your teachers is a beautiful thing.
1:04:27
Feeling dependent and grateful to them and their work. That's what I take from counterdependency, a kind of inverted form of codependency. Ceasing to place oneself above or below in personal relationships helps integrate character aspects that are often projected outward. Let me quickly check. Okay, we have a lot more to do.
1:04:48
So, and now even I am mindful of my own time. So I'm going to kind of start powering through this. And we're going to have to do this probably with the fours and the fives because the fours and the fives have the most to say.
1:05:07
I think I remember seeing some of the other types and they're much more... they don't go as deep or as thorough or as long. Ceasing to place oneself above or below in personal relationships helps integrate character aspects that are often projected outward. Sexual four resists seeing themselves as authoritarian, intolerant, rigid.
1:05:28
Profound change comes when they become aware of how they silence or intimidate with moodiness, anger, and tantrums. They especially can't tolerate changes in plans and often blame those responsible as if they'll never forgive them for ruining their imagined perfect scenario. I don't do that. But that sounds unpleasant.
1:05:48
They detest unexpected visitors and show their displeasure for the unforgivable sin of disrupting their day's plans. The real reason for their anger is not having time to prepare, ensuring the meeting isn't mundane, and the rational explanation they give themselves is a lack of food, even when the fridge is full.
1:06:05
In such cases, empathizing with others helps understand the impact of hateful behavior. It's healing to develop an out-receptive attitude, which this subtype lacks. This aids in recognizing how often others become diplomatic with them. Taking seriously the suspicion of being feared is transformative. That's true. Taking seriously the suspicion of being feared is transformative. It's vital to inquire, listen,
1:06:29
and especially hear feedback regarding harshness, aggressiveness, and outbursts without defending oneself with a common excuse. Yes, I'm unpleasant, and so are you. Admitting harmfulness helps in relinquishing the right to attack when something is bothersome. It's a wake-up call for the subtype to realize they don't have the exclusive right to be offended by others in consideration.
1:06:49
In any case, it's therapeutic to delve into this, questioning why they deny others the feeling of being offended when they themselves are so sensitive to offense. I'm going to skim now and look for gems. I mean, there's such good stuff here. I love this. In the role as therapist,
1:07:19
it's crucial for the sexual four to trust their ability to absorb the group's emotional atmosphere. The four does have this tremendous ability to absorb, and we'll get into the self-preservation four. That's their almost go-to move is absorption. We have just tremendous capacity for all of the emotions. And so trusting that capacity is important.
1:07:40
And that aids in what she's describing is that receptivity. I can receive this. I can I can allow this and I don't have to interject it. I don't have to experience it. It's true about me, but I don't have to attack it. I can just include it in my experience.
1:07:57
And when fours start to tap into that superpower of theirs, they don't have to get aggressive. And often the four, at least for myself, I know that I oftentimes, when I slip up in reactivity, oftentimes I'm taking the other person's aggression or aggression that's there and then I'm jumping on it.
1:08:19
Because I already have so much latent aggression that that's an area that I get sensitive around. The sexual four is maybe different. The sexual four probably doesn't have as much held in aggression. But they also seem to have a bottomless amount of it. This is great.
1:08:49
It's therapeutic to endure the void or tell the patient, I don't know how to help you right now. I don't understand you or how does my feedback resonate with you? We'll see that again in the five, how difficult it is for the five to say, I don't know how to help you right now.
1:09:03
I don't know what the answer is. Not knowing is unbearable, both for the four and for the five, for somewhat different reasons. So for the four, how are you experiencing me right now is a great answer. question because the four doesn't know okay moving on to de-dramatization You know, so the Ford wants to dramatize everything. And, uh,
1:09:33
that, you know, tendency, the tendency then sabotages turns everything into drama, which then turns everything into conflict, which then reinforces rivalry, which then reinforces winning or losing either way. There's a codependency or a counter dependency. And I, I get locked into relationship with my rival. The Celtics aren't anything without the Knicks.
1:09:54
The Yankees aren't anything without the Red Sox. No. How do you become a whole independent person with your own path? Not independent as alone, but independent as someone, a full being. Full being with work to do that doesn't exist in competition with anyone else.
1:10:17
For healing, the sexual four must develop a continuous vision of their process in life. Often any reproach made to me, no matter how trivial I experience it, is a disqualification to my entire person. So that's the dramatization. Although discovering this is disheartening, it's important to rescue how much fragility is hidden beneath the apparent ease and
1:10:39
security of the persona one has built. To heal, it's necessary to inhibit the temptation to caricature oneself internally as a dangerous monster or as inferior. It's transformative to discover how dramatic exaggeration often involves matters related to guilt. From the outside, it's easy to recognize the sexual four as deeply guilty. However,
1:11:04
the subtype commonly feels they've denied guilt due to excessive confidence in the veracity of their impulse. They don't recognize themselves as guilty because guilt is a natural state in which they systematically and robotically apologize without knowing why. Healing involves taking responsibility, being attentive to when truly hurts another. Apologizing also means forgiving oneself naturally without dramatizing,
1:11:31
without beating oneself up, without giving oneself too much importance as hatred is rekindled. So when we see this with all the types and we see this in our relationships, I am sure there's a name for this, but it's what she's describing is that the four The four can't handle guilt. So if the four has something,
1:11:55
especially the sexual four, if the sexual four has something they really need to apologize for, I'm sorry that I hurt you. It's very hard for the four to experience that real guilt, that real remorse. I'm not talking about negative feelings. I'm talking about like, I'm so sorry that I hurt you. That's not okay. You know, whatever.
1:12:18
It's very difficult for the four to access precisely because they're so deeply guilty. So they live in guilt. Therefore, they can't stomach taking, you know, accepting guilt for something, accepting remorse. Guilt is that natural state. And so then what is that healing state? Well, it's twofold. One is developing the capacity truly to have guilt,
1:12:47
but then also letting go of all that guilt, which I assume here she's describing kind of the primordial guilt, the original guilt, which is that there was some painful separation and some painful loss of connection. And it's my fault. It's because I'm bad. And we talked about that in the introduction to Enneagram 4.
1:13:12
It's necessary to develop a vision of the future, project oneself there and draw on experience. One knows that the pleasure of exploding is short lived compared to the remorse and guilt that torment after. Yes. Developing compassion. For the sexual four’s subtype, it's a matter of will to find peace. Again, that will, the doing.
1:13:47
It's a kind of mental and spiritual exercise to feel good and cultivate well-being. To feel pity is to recognize that one is made of the same stuff as everyone else. Everyone is as they are, has their own life story and path, and we all do what we can. We are all equally both awful and divine,
1:14:05
as Pearl said, even though the sexual four tends to value themselves either too high or too low. Yeah, everyone has their own gifts. So the four, yeah, I think the four has to learn that it's both the discernment and the sameness. For the four, it's a learning experience to discover that being calm and in agreement with the
1:14:37
environment is not living half-heartedly, but a state to which we all naturally aspire. She shares some stuff about the importance of breathing and meditation. Being compassionate is also about regaining self-esteem, feeling worthy. It's not about being solemn or arrogant, but an open, benevolent, natural way of being in life. Personally, I associate it with renouncing excessive histrionics.
1:15:19
I know I have to be attentive because the tendency to trivialize or make light of what I want to say is pure automatism. And I often realize later because of the bad taste it leaves me. It's like debasing myself, selling myself short, not standing firm in what I maintain, losing my footing,
1:15:37
and thus attacking myself and deceiving others. Fours have profound self-esteem issues. I think it's sort of a simple way to describe it, but it's true. feeling compassion is continuing to work on oneself knowing that one can't always stop the runaway horse of hatred watching oneself and not persecuting oneself i
1:16:04
think we i think we've got it but i love the way she ends it the sexual four must come to understand that this is a crazy idea this being um So let me back up. One fears dissolving into the world, becoming bland, losing one's place, disappearing.
1:16:23
The sexual four must come to understand that this is a crazy idea, a cognitive distortion. What sounds to them like inauthenticity and fluff is actually letting oneself be guided by the true loving feeling that naturally flows when one stops being hard on oneself. I've learned about all of this in gatherings with friends when I realized the
1:16:41
pleasure I got from listening to them, recognizing their gestures, their way of laughing and speaking, so familiar and comforting for being so. I also enjoyed sometimes not understanding them at all, but just being there, laughing, being silent for a moment, and taking a break from always wanting to be the center of attention.
1:16:59
To have compassion is to admit you're wrong, to lose in emotional intensity and gain in clarity, realizing everything is simpler than one imagined, that one has a very bad temper and a very good heart. So that's the sexual four. We covered it in 80 minutes. So for all you fours out there, thanks for making it with me.
1:17:26
And we'll do the self-preservation four and complete the four next time. See ya.
Rivalry and the Sexual Four