Transcript
Hello, and welcome to the Barrcast. I'm your host, Nick Barr, coming to you on a lovely Monday morning here in Brooklyn, New York. We're going to continue on with our Enneagram journey, our close reading of Claudio Naranjo's 27 Personalities in Search of Being.
0:19
We are on the four, and today we're going to be looking at the social four. Quick housekeeping notes. For some reason, last time, the screen recording didn't scroll when I scrolled, so I apologize for that. Hopefully that's fixed this time. And if you're a longtime listener to the Barrcast,
0:37
you may be interested to know that I post these on YouTube as well as Substack. You can check out polytrope.substack.com. So if you're getting this on the feed, that's great, and I'll make this listenable. But if you do want to see the visuals, they're up on YouTube. Okay, so...
1:01
We're in the four and we're gonna talk about the social four first. And so maybe a little bit of context here. So Naranjo's book is a collection of essays. He does some framing, but then the essays are largely written by psychotherapists in this community, in this circle.
1:29
So each person writes about their own psycho-spiritual development for their type. So we'll get into that. And each subtype has a kind of a keyword. So for the social four, the keyword is shame or vergüenza. I think vergüenza is... pretty straight ahead shame, but let's just quickly see if there's nuance to that.
2:02
Maybe it doesn't come through in English. It's maybe a bit lighter. I don't know if that's just my own imagination. It maybe is a little bit closer to embarrassment than shame is. One of the tricky things with shame is that shame is also used to describe the whole heart triad.
2:38
Two threes and fours all have their core emotion as shame as opposed to fear for the head triad and anger for the gut triad. So shame is being used elsewhere in the Enneagram. And let's get into it. Naranjo is going to point out another limitation of the word shame.
3:02
The contrasts between the character types of the four are the most striking as their different subtypes seem more differentiated than in the other passions. When I explain this topic in Spanish, we talked about this last time, I usually say there are sufferers, let's call it sufferers, endurers, and the insufferable. Sufridores, sufridos, e insufribles,
3:29
which I'm going to translate as sufferers, endurers, and the insufferable. It would be nice if we could make endurer maybe suffering. But suffering, it's sort of the suffered. if we choose to translate this, you know, really fully later, we can come back. Maybe I'll actually even since, you know,
3:55
so part of this is I'm tempted to turn this into a translation project and that's kind of the background here. So I'm just going to even give this a slightly different highlighting color so that I can come back to it. So the social E4 is a person who complains too much.
4:11
They are very tearful, and often play the victim role. In the DSM-IV, a category of person given to self-sabotage is suggested. The characteristic indicated by Ichazo for this character, Ichazo being Naranjo's teacher, is shame, vergüenza, which descriptively seems accurate but doesn't fully describe a neurotic need. So this is an important point.
4:37
Indeed, these are people who undervalue themselves and therefore feel less than others. But how can we explain that these people are so prone to self-blaming and unfavorably comparing themselves to others? So what I love about Naranjo and take from this is each each types or subtypes keyword needs to be a shortcut for
5:02
the story that they tell themselves, the story that they're fixated on. And it has to have some internal logic. I mean, that logic will be fatally flawed, but it has to sort of make some sense. So we can't just sort of say, oh, yep, they have shame.
5:16
Vergüenza has to be doing some job for the social four, for their neuroses. So what is the job that it's doing for their neuroses? And let's find out. The answer, it seems to me, is found in what Melanie Klein calls the depressive position, through which the child prefers to blame themselves rather than vent their anger against the mother whom they desperately need similarly we can consider that the social four prefers to swallow their own poison rather than express it towards their loved ones they've learned to internalize their aggression due to an exaggerated emotional dependency. So as we explore the subtypes, we're going to keep all of this in mind,
6:09
which is these are sort of three different ways of coping with the same wound, which is separation and rejection from the mother figure, from the parent figure, from the caregiving figure, from the sort of first external object. Melanie Klein is a really important figure in, I think, modern psychology around kind of object relations.
6:39
So the social four has chosen to lower themselves. They've chosen to blame themselves rather than express anger. And let's talk about more about the way they do that. And I'm not sure. We'll maybe have to come back to it and really make sure we understand as it's meant.
7:05
So this is, now we move into the essay from, this woman's name is Sonia Gajnaj. That's how maybe you pronounce it. It's a very interesting last name. G-A-J-N-A-J. The Transformation of the Social Four by Sonia Gainai. In the past, I didn't recognize the chained thoughts of envy or the envious emotion.
7:30
The world was against me, and nobody gave me what I wanted or needed. I didn't push away. I was pushed away. So that's that victim, victim orientation. This way, I often set up situations where I was the victim and others were my perpetrators. I projected my own hatred onto others. and didn't take responsibility for my envy.
7:54
It's a pretty direct articulation of that shame. And so that's also maybe why vergüenza, embarrassment, is maybe actually, it's like, Shame is so primordial. And I think it can be different for different people. But if you have that dream where you're in class and you're in your underwear, do you feel shame or do you feel embarrassed?
8:32
I feel more connected to embarrassment in that moment because shame... Shame feels to me more connected to I've done something bad, so I'm bad. I'm bad. Embarrassment is like I'm in a... I'm... And of course, embarrassment, we'll have to do some etymology work on that, but... It's more... Oh, this is embarrassing. It's like... It's closer to victimhood.
9:13
I think that's the key point. Shame, I don't think neighbors victimhood in the same way. Shame feels more identifying as the perpetrator. Embarrassment feels more identifying with the victim, sort of a victim of the circumstance, a victim of the situation. Even if you've done something bad, you still feel victim-y. So I think that's really important.
9:39
So I'm hanging on to embarrassment here. And in fact, I do want to, let's take our etymological detour right now. So vergüenza etymologia. I don't know if it's still online. Oh, here it is. Is this it? The Castellano in linea. There's a nice... etymological dictionary for Spanish. Oh, here it is.
10:52
Humiliation, humility.
11:06
Yeah, so the more I get into Vergüenza, the less adequate shame is. It's certainly not sufficient. I don't think it's wrong. But I do want to look at the Latin. Yeah, so its root is the Latin vericundus. feeling shame, shame-faced, bashful, shy, modest. And so actually veracundia can be seen as a virtue, knowing one's place, coyness, modesty,
12:07
shyness, bashfulness, shame, awe. So there is, I think bashful is also really nice. That's one of the seven doors. What does he look like? That's kind of the aw shucks one. So there's, so now we're starting to move into the aw shucks, not me. That's that lowering.
12:44
That's that self lowering that I think is core to the social four. And by the way, bashful is just such a fun word. That's from abashed. I think abashed, bashful. I just want to invite some of these words in because that helps us expand the, the space of story,
13:30
the space of fixation that we want to ultimately kind of be able to name for the social for. So abash, perplex or embarrassed by suddenly exciting the conscience, discomfort, make ashamed, lose one's composure, be upset, right? That's a big part of it, right? That sort of, um, that feel right. So the,
13:53
the dream where you walk into the class and you're naked, it's that feeling of almost frenzied heat of trying to remedy it, you know, covering yourself up with a, a textbook, right? Like that sort of, um, that, that, that, that loss of composure. So when Adam and Eve feel shame, if we're narrowing in in Genesis,
14:27
the moment of covering up with fig leaves or desperately trying to sort of hide themselves. So there's a more, I think it's more active. It's embarrassment in addition to shame coming closer to victimhood than perpetrator, that pole of experience. It also is much more active than passive. Shame I find to be debilitating. Shame is sort of paralyzing.
15:00
Whereas embarrassment or bashfulness is kind of aw shucks. No, not me. That, you know, that that kind of thing. So there, there's sort of a dancing, there's sort of a dancing quality to, to this. Okay. Let's talk, let's, let's hear from Sonia. I projected my own hatred onto others and didn't take responsibility for my enemies.
15:28
So when she says she projected her own, her own hatred onto others, just to be clear and slow, what she means is she couldn't own the hatred that she felt, let's say toward her caregiver, So she projected that hatred onto others, i.e. she said, they hate me.
15:48
They have to hate me so that I don't own the hate toward somebody who I really depend on. I felt a fierce competitiveness that I couldn't acknowledge, a competition for recognition, to be unique and special, to have a place, a place to exist, but sought from an internally boycotted ego always consumed with complaints and laments.
16:17
My immature personality. The rage I felt was intense, and I had turned it into crying and victimhood. It also became an excuse to let up. So rage, I think rage is core to the four, especially the sexual four, but that separation is so, it's not just painful, it's also infuriating in a way.
16:47
And the social four is gonna take that rage and project it onto others. They are angry at me. And so then my sort of roundabout way of expressing my own rage is expressing my own victimhood. Let's make it more real. It also became an excuse to let others make decisions for me and thus repeatedly
17:11
return to feelings of dissatisfaction and hatred towards the world and myself for not being able to make my own choices or maintain my perspectives. Confrontation naturally became impossible. Love only came through complaints and pain. I put myself in situations where someone could leave me so I could only see my partner through my self-devaluation and self-hate,
17:33
despising them more the longer they stayed by my side. That's heavy. And that's that for quality, that lack, that envy, right? Because I lack, you stay with me. But the more you stay with me, the more you rub salt in my lack. This manipulation, right? This is manipulative behavior was evident in all the relationships I formed.
18:01
It served so that others would give to me and was also the way to reflect my hatred and envy toward others. Another common aspect of my relationships was my dependence on the maternal figure and the deliberate deceit used to maintain the relationship at any cost. I'm not quite sure what she means by dependence on the mother figure.
18:22
So let's just check the Spanish to see if there's any clues there.
18:25
No, that's pretty direct.
18:47
Deliberate deceit used to maintain the relationship at any cost, I often felt abandoned and at the same time believed that I was being abandoned. First, I would indulge in excessive contact and then completely withdraw. I often felt abandoned and at the same time believed that I was being abandoned.
19:10
También solía ser muy abandónica y al mismo tiempo creía que me abandonaban. I'm just looking at, solía ser muy abandónica. Google here is translating abandonica as neglectful. Of course, that loses the abandonica and me abandonaban. But it didn't make sense to me to say I felt abandoned and at the same time believed I was being abandoned.
20:05
I think she's actually indicating the other. To be abandonica is to be like abandoning, I think. I don't know if that's a very common word. You know, I mean, this is like psychotherapy Spanish, so. Abandonica. I think we're going to have to go faster for our poor listeners.
20:35
Abandonica es el nombre que en psicología y ciencia se afina hacia la de sujeto que muestra los síntomas provocados por la situación de la enfermedad. I'm just gonna say I often felt, I often abandoned, I often abandoned and at the same time believed that I was being abandoned. I would indulge in excessive contact and then completely withdraw.
21:14
And I suppose there's a third talking about abandon is like doing things with abandon. In other words, like just sort of, um, exactly. And don't, you know, I'm, I love you and I love you and I ignore you and I ignore you. So there,
21:25
there's sort of a meta abandonment there of sort of not sort of abandoning the contract in a way, whether it's sort of good or bad. I used to live in a chaotic way. She just, she adds, right. So that continues that sort of, that's literally living with abandon without, without abandon with abandon.
21:51
I think it's with abandon, right? If you say that someone does something with abandon, you mean they behave in a wild, uncontrolled way. I wonder if that's abandonica, muy abandonica. I often, I would say I lived with abandon and at the same time believed that I was being abandoned. It's maybe too creative.
22:20
I used to live in a chaotic way as a means to create situations of social rejection. I used to live in a chaotic way as a means to create situations of social rejection. That's really exactly what we're just exploring. It was typical of me not to be able to uphold any work commitment unless it was on
22:38
my manipulative terms, which involved displaying a very loving and pseudo-supportive style at times, only to later abandon the task with the feeling that my energy was draining. I couldn't maintain it over time. due to any minor event that occurred. And I recognize some of that in myself. It's like sometimes I create a situation where it's like,
22:58
look at everything I'm doing, but that situation is so fragile such that, you know, when my partner doesn't show up or something, then I say, see, like I tried so hard and you, so that's kind of the social four energy there. And again, like this is heavy stuff. This is just kind of just always connect with it.
23:25
Just, you know, you at your worst, you at your unhealthiest, just recognizing fixation. And hopefully we can connect. Richard Rohr says, you know, we can connect with all of these. Just we make one of them or some of them an art form. Right. So it shouldn't be alien behavior to us.
23:44
But the social for this is like their home base, home fixation. Thanks to this, I would fabricate the feeling of being rejected, of not being recognized, of others receiving more than me. Back then, I didn't realize all of this. I simply felt that I couldn't handle responsibilities,
24:00
nor could I be in a relationship because undoubtedly life had given me less than others. I remember a strong feeling whenever I found myself in exposed situations. My stomach would churn from the shame I felt. The immense anxiety these moments of exposure brought me was often alleviated by temporary disappearances. I would lock myself away, isolate,
24:21
and then indulge in eating, which led to significant weight gain issues. My self-degradation was obsessive and I found it impossible to be alone as tormenting thoughts constantly invaded my mind. Now I associate the sweet taste of self-degradation with the internalization of a negative maternal image. That's beautiful. I associate the sweet taste of self-degradation.
24:43
And self-degradation could be the keyword for the social four. with the internalization of a negative maternal image. It's the childish way perpetuated into adulthood of having a mother." I mean, that's That's kind of the beating heart of it. Looking back, I am left with a sense of superficiality,
25:11
even though I also believed I was deep due to my tangled thoughts and intense emotions masked by an appearance of gentleness and sweetness. So this is someone who has, to some extent, kind of renounced her love of feeling and being deep, at least in that stage. I could be very sweet, pleasant, and exceedingly kind in public,
25:34
but become aggressive and irate in private, pouring a lot of energy into it because of the emotions I'd suppressed in social situations and would release when alone with those I devalued. The suppression of socially frowned upon emotions like anger or hate were transformed into sadness and victimhood. due to the inability to confront them. And so speaking,
25:58
especially in the 20th century, but still today in terms of gender and sexuality, one does think about the social four as more feminine or female. Maybe more women fours would be social fours, precisely for the reason that Sonya is describing, that culture wanted her to be sweet, pleasant, and exceedingly kind in public.
26:21
she couldn't own her rage basically. Um, and so the social force strategy is a good strategy for those who can't, um, can't express rage. Right. And, uh, social is, is, so there's social, sexual and self-preservation. These are sort of instinctual subtypes, right. Of, uh, where we seek sort of safety, I would say.
26:43
Um, and so the social force seeks to preserve social relationships, right. They, if I'm, If I'm sweet, pleasant, and kind in public, then that's my ticket to survival. I'll do a little bit more investigation on the subtypes. I actually don't know their origin. The suppression of socially frowned upon emotions like anger or hate were
27:07
transformed into sadness and victimhood due to the inability to confront them. The love within a relationship. The love within a relationship was the central theme of my life. To have or not have a relationship was the purpose of existence. Life was melancholic and filled with impoverishing experiences in this sense. Four is love relationship.
27:31
It's sort of their number one thing. And I don't know if that ever changes for certainly You you want to grow out of that impoverished view that someone is describing, but. I would say relationship may may always be the central theme of a forest life. The fruits of labor. Or the fruits of my work.
28:02
Through my work with the Enneagram, individual and group therapy, and also thanks to my training as an actress and later as a theater teacher, I've been able to develop greater awareness. This is reflected in taking responsibility in the workplace and being able to uphold long-term commitments. All of this is accompanied by a more positive attitude toward difficulties,
28:18
which consists of seeking solutions for complex situations. I can also be more practical and slightly more efficient in specific tasks. my work and study objectives i have a greater capacity to pursue what interests me i'm more proactive can handle multiple matters simultaneously without succumbing to
28:33
despair or anxiety and often achieve the goals i set for myself it's kind of dipping into three energy there right like efficiency moving things forward capacity achieving goals so one way of exploring this development you know could be you could describe it as bringing in her three wing
28:55
From the difficulty I felt in finding my place in a group in society today, I can deeply experience the sense of belonging. At the same time, finding my place has given me a sense of being more independent in emotional relationships, where I can now set clearer boundaries.
29:08
I'm also less extreme and give a more relative value to life situations and the emotions that overwhelm me. Shame, my egoic passion, is greatly reduced in social and work situations. I'm more articulate and clear in what I wish to convey. In romantic relationships, I was able to remain alone for several years, having casual relationships,
29:27
enjoying the moment without committing to a stable relationship. I prized life in all its aspects over romantic love and remained consistent with this in my thoughts, emotions, and actions to this day. I learned to have astonishing, unfamiliar, positive, and reassuring thoughts about myself. I learned to encourage myself. Today,
29:45
self-degradation has disappeared and I feel capable of fulfilling my responsibilities, whether or not I have energy. I also feel more compassionate towards some of my egoic limitations. I don't punish myself as much for what I cannot let go of or transform. And I'm less ambitious about my personal transformation.
30:01
That's really beautiful to hear and I think that's something that a four needs to hear. Precisely because a four is so oriented toward lack, a four will really jump onto therapy or inner work or personal transformation because it's like, oh, goody, another thing that I suck at. Oh, goody, another area that I need to work on.
30:20
Fours love doing the work. And as Suzanne Stabile said, fours also have the most work to do. But here Sonia is saying she also just let go of needing to transform in some of these ways, accepting some of her own limitations. At the same time I have more faith in something higher and believe I can support my
30:39
internal processes without seeking external help, I feel an urgent need for more autonomy and I'm currently seeking it. I'm more satisfied with my present, I don't miss the past, and I feel happier and more fulfilled in the present moment. For this it has been crucial to relativize and idealize less what others say or do
30:55
and allow myself to sometimes rejoice in others' achievements. Also help to give more credit to my thoughts and beliefs instead of listening to so much well-intentioned advice even if it might be right or helpful. I want to live my own life experience and make mistakes if necessary, taking responsibility for my errors.
31:11
In my future process toward greater consciousness, evolution, and better health, I realized it would be good to develop my autonomy through work and study. Autonomy comes up a lot for her. And this maybe is part of the social four, right? So dependent on others, dependent on advice, dependent on what others say.
31:27
She's developed more self-trust, giving herself room to make errors as well. Without debasing herself. Debasement could be another keyword for the social four. Debasement is actually quite nice. To position myself in my relationships with others with a more generous attitude so I can give without speculation, move away from the old neurotic need to establish symbiotic relationships.
31:58
And that's so hard, I think. I kind of came into adulthood in an age where codependency was sort of this, that's the worst thing you can be, is codependent. But it's not so clear as I get older. It's more about how much codependency do you want and does the other person want and what's your awareness of it.
32:30
I think we do wanna be dependent on our life partners. We do want to be codependent. That's part of what keeps us together, but it can't be as unhealthy as the unhealthy social for that sort of, not just needing the other, but I need you to, I need you,
32:57
to be a canvas on which I can project my own hate and anger that I can't stomach so that I can feel like a victim and debased and degraded and ashamed and embarrassed so that in that feeling, that's my way of reconnecting with the mother figure. That's not great. In personal relationships,
33:30
a social four acts from competition and comparison, trying to find value in themselves. For me, health means finding my own recognition and satisfaction. In romantic relationships, what's healthy is positioning myself as an equal to my partner without being swayed by emotional tremors. Positioning myself as an equal, that's all. That's all.
33:46
You can be codependent, but are you codependent as an equal? It doesn't mean equal in all things, but just an I-thou relationship. two human beings worthy of the same good treatment. To achieve harmony and stability both internally and within the couple, it's fundamental to cultivate thought and the ability to cognitively process experiences. Um, it's interesting that for,
34:16
for Sonia, you know, thinking and thought and bringing in the, the, the thinking side is harder for her. And again, I would say that's not going to be characteristic of, especially let's say the self-preserving four or someone, a four with a stronger five wing, which is the thinking triad. Okay. What helps in working on the ego? Initially,
34:42
the main help I received was undergoing individual therapy where I transferred my dependence onto my therapist. Again, this is a psychoanalytic circle. However, it was a positive relationship that allowed me to experience internalizing a caring mother who gave me a favorable view of myself. Yeah, internalizing the caring mother is, you could maybe say the work,
35:01
certainly at the fore and maybe of other types as well. Developing an inner mother is, Who knows you, who loves you, who cares about you, who sees your good, sees your bad. Group therapy and the ability to share made me confront my feelings of envy, jealousy, hatred, and competitiveness. Participating in the SAT program, that's this circle,
35:24
and sharing these traits with others of my same Enneagram type alongside my group therapy was greatly helpful. Suddenly, I felt I had fellow seekers, and this feeling opened up the possibility of delving deeper into understanding my ego. Useful tasks for working on the ego theater has been an indisputable means of
35:39
opening up and channeling my emotions and creativity. Dance, singing, and artistic expressions that progressively expose one personally through creative language are very beneficial. For social four, enjoying a leading role for a certain period with external support is very important at first. It helps develop a positive self-image and de-dramatize life.
35:58
It also reduces the fear of shame in exposure situations. In theater, placing emotions in a situation or character is a way to avoid being overly exposed while still expressing oneself. Theater comes up a lot in this collection. And I love that. And I think that's still a little underutilized in our kind of healing language today. This way,
36:24
the shame that restrains the always intense emotions and tangles emotional thoughts can gradually give way to expression and integration of various aspects of oneself. Meditation is a valuable tool for every Enneagram type. In my journey, certain mantras such as you have to do what needs to be done have been very helpful,
36:40
especially when emotions threatened to impede action. You have to do what needs to be done. Let me see what the translation or the Spanish is there. Gotta do what you gotta do. Let me change that. I mean, that's maybe not. You've got to do what you've got to do. Gosh, translating is an honorable profession.
37:27
I just made it work better for me. You've got to do what you've got to do. I have been very helpful, especially when emotions threaten to impede action. Concrete actions, even if I don't feel like doing them, are also greatly beneficial. Examples include presenting a better personal image or dressing up even when not in the mood.
37:45
It's like theater. I seek the character outside so that it can later become ingrained inside me. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Starting to give was very helpful concerning my poor self-image and the attitude of seeking attention. Starting to give. I wonder what she means by that. Yeah, just as M.P. said earlier.
38:30
Organizing my activities and keeping a simple agenda is also useful. Engaging in situations where it's necessary to develop the thinking muscle, like studying something theoretical has been beneficial. In interpersonal relationships, it's healthy to find a balance between contact and withdrawal. This aids in enjoying greater independence.
38:46
Becoming indispensable to someone or having someone be indispensable to you certainly feeds the ego. Some behavioral changes. And this is the last section for the social four. Each essayist has their own style. Some are long, some are short. This is actually one of the shorter ones. One of the most noticeable changes I've experienced is self-support.
39:13
I used to live in the shadows of others, doing things for them, whatever ego-driven reason, but not taking charge of my life. Later in my process, I began teaching on my own, first with 25 students, which has now grown to 100. I have four pedagogical assistants and a secretary.
39:30
My identity is present in my work, and people say I have a unique touch in what I do. I would have never dreamt of this. From the outside, I seem confident, committed, and solid. But the truth is I wake up every day eager to work on my insecurities.
39:42
It's part of my current journey and seems to be yielding good results. Today, I can support my home and children on my own. There's no longer a huge gap between my public reactions and private ones. My emotions flow more balanced. My relationship with my children is filled with love and communication.
40:01
Being at home is a joy and being alone is a pleasure. Reading, listening to music, praying, doing nothing. I'm also in a relationship where we both enjoy tremendous independence and abundant love. Sexuality is the best journey. There's no more repression or inhibition.
40:16
I validate everything that comes from me without tying it to torturous situations or feelings of guilt. I love my parents just as they are and see them as individuals with their own lives and missions. They do the best they can, just like we all do. I remember a time when I lived in a kind of pseudo spirituality.
40:33
Later, I went through years of disbelief, tied to letting go of all my dependencies. I see. Yeah. Later, I went through years of disbelief tied to letting go of all my dependencies. Tuvo que ver con el hecho de soltar toda mi dependencia. Then faith arrived, an absolute trust in something higher.
40:58
I experienced it through dreams and feelings that have nothing to do with the psychological and bring me immense peace and joy. That's how my search is today. I think it's so important, this point that maybe putting spirituality, like another way to talk about spirituality is like, you've got to, you've got to believe there are more,
41:16
there's more to the psychological, there's more to life than the psychological. Ironically enough, like that I think can unlock a deep love and fascination for the psychological. But if you're in a, I think for myself, like this project now of like looking at 27 Enneagram subtypes, which is going to be a pretty massive undertaking, like,
41:45
It is connected also to a lessening grip on psychology as sort of this total explanation of who we are. I experienced it through dreams and feelings that have nothing to do with the psychological and bring me immense peace and joy. That's how my search is today. Happier and more enthusiastic.
42:04
I feel God in my own way, not following anything or anyone. And I believe it will remain this way for at least several more years. So that's the social four and her developmental journey, Sonia Gainai. Really kind of beautiful, brief explanation. So, Yeah,
42:26
I think as we come back to vergüenza and the story that the four tells themselves, in my work, I like to do, sometimes I call this the inner mandate or sort of the internal logic, the story you tell yourself unconsciously, the unconscious story that animates you, animates your world.
42:51
And that's the project here, too, with Naranjo and the word vergüenza. And so I think we don't have to rewrite it. But I think shame is probably actually not the most illustrative in terms of the neurosis or the fixation. It's more about debasement. It's more about self-degradation. It's more about embarrassment. It's self-lowering. I must be less than.
43:26
I must be less than, I must be a victim. That's the only way that I'll be in contact with others. So again, the four strategies are really convoluted. But they all come back to lack. They all come back to envy. And the social four, in a way, is the most naked with that feeling.
44:10
They just show up as lacking. In order to preserve relationships. I need you. I'm nothing without you. Um, and then when you're with me, you don't love me enough or you don't really want to be with me or, you know, you've got your job and, um, you create situations in your workplace where you feel less than.
44:49
And for, um, I don't want to end yet because I don't feel that I've captured the essence yet. I think what's difficult about the inner mandate or kind of coming up with this I must or else statement is it's layered, right? So I think at the deepest one, it's exactly this.
45:54
I've got to preserve my relationship with my mother who has... in some ways, abandon me. And so if I take on that abandonment as yes, because I'm no good. You're right, mother, I'm no good, please stay with me. That's the core of the, that's the pre-verbal social force strategy. Their emotional dependency Why does that work?
47:13
This is what I'm getting stuck on. It works because what it produces in the other person is reassurance. No, no, no. Of course I love you. And in a really complicated way, it also gives them license to act out their rage through crying or through feelings of victimhood. So they do get to experience some temporary relief because...
48:03
Let's say I'm a social four. I plan a big picnic for my partner, for my loved one. I prepare some really special day. So first of all, I have to do something really special to earn my partner's love. It's already not enough for me to be me. I have to do something.
48:26
This is maybe a little bit of the threeness to do something really kind of elaborate and ornate for the person to come. Maybe I'm going to surprise them. And they come, you know, meet me at Central Park at 4 p.m. And then they come and they had a really bad day at work.
48:45
And so they're not delighted by my surprise. So first of all, I've gone the extra mile because of my neurosis of anxiety. self-degradation self-lowering shame um debasement bashfulness just feeling less than feeling lower so i have to compensate i do something really amazing then my
49:14
partner doesn't respond the way i wanted them to and i say aha that's just confirmation that you don't love me that i am i'm no good to you You could be with somebody else and I might start crying or get really sulky and sad and withdrawn.
49:42
And regardless of how the partner behaves, that's the kind of like loop of the social four. I must be the one to blame. It must be my fault. Because if I'm not to blame, I might lose the relationship. So that's an example of an I must or else statement that might be relevant for the social floor. OK.
50:58
I'm going to call it. I feel like we've dipped into the social floor. And next time, we'll do sexual floor. See you later.
Abasement and the Social Four